Worst Hookup

MIMI

My worst hookup occurred a few years ago, after a break up and quite a bit of tequila. I met him at a party through mutual friends, and we had talked for a bit. He wasn't great looking, but seemed cool, and if it hasn't been stressed enough... tequila was involved. When the party ended tequila and I decided going back to his place was a great idea. It was just a short walk, he insisted, so we headed out.

...10 minutes later we were still walking. 15 minutes in he offered to carry me, and promptly almost dropped me. I am not a large person and like my men with a little muscle, so it did not bode well for the evening that he almost dumped me on my ass. Gentlemen- if you are not capable of picking up women, do not offer; no one wins.

When we finally got back to his place 10 mins after that, some of the ardor had cooled and I was beginning to regret not just going to bed, but I figured I might as well go with it since I was there.

As you probably guessed from the topic of this post (spoiler alert!) it was not an excellent use of tequila's or my time. He was clumsy and awkward, and after I'd *ahem* taken care of him, he kind of sat there. "Aren't you gonna return the favor?" I asked (I am a bit blunt when drunk and irritated) He looked surprised. "Oh, you want me to...?" "No, girls hate that" I responded "good for you not believing the lies." (see? snarky bitch)

He attempted to oblige, but the mood was ruined, and I think if someone is less than enthusiastic it's not really worth it.

I am not solely blaming my partner. I was not the charming houseguest I normally am, and gave him a hard time for things when they didn't go my way. But mostly I think I just didn't know what to do with someone who seemed so hopeless and passive, and lost my patience.

Dan Savage describes an ideal lover as GGG- Good, Giving, and Game, and I think I'd have to agree. As long as you and your partner are laid back and fun, even bad hookups aren't terrible. The best experiences I've had have been when my partner is adventurous, unselfconscious and as committed as I am to mutual satisfaction. While no one has ever shown me their sploshing room, I think I'm up for most things, and expect my partner to be as well. Also... you should kind of know what you're doing. Come on, you've been sexually active long enough. Needing some direction is fine, but I don't have time to teach a 27 year old how to have sex.

The hookup above could possibly have been salvaged by any of these qualities. Sex shouldn't be too serious- it's fun, that's why you're doing it, and even awkward things are only uncomfortable if you make them so. If a person is comfortable enough to let go and go with the flow, it's usually a good time.

AARON

The best hookups in general are those where both people are just having fun and not stressing a good thing. They aren’t worrying about how they look or what the other person is going to think the next day. If something weird happens or it gets awkward it should be okay to just laugh it off. If someone says something trying to sound sexy but it sounds ridiculous, don’t stop and be like “what did you say?!” just go with it and chalk it up to the heat of the moment causing the brain to not work properly.

I’m not going to go into any super specific examples but I have a few things which can make a hookup awkward or less enjoyable:

- If you’re on bottom, you’re eventually going to have to move. We’ve all been there, holding ourselves on top, and after awhile, you get tired! You know this, they know this, so after a while why make it harder for the person to “roll” or change positions. If someone starts rolling over to switch, or something along those lines, make it easy on them or give them the opening.

- If something grosses you out or if someone asks to do something that you find weird, crazy, or that makes you think they are going to ask you next to“rub the lotion on its skin” psycho talk, just say no and let it go. Don’t ruin the whole night because of something weird or continuously bring it up. If it’s that weird they are probably already self-conscious about it.

-Don’t leave hickies in super noticeable areas without asking permission. That’s just not nice!

As a final note, and since I kind of swayed from the point of this blog topic, here are the most three awkward things that have happened to me during a hook up…at least those which are appropriate :-P:

-She kissed me on the lips, then my cheek, then my temple and then gave me a bunch of fast butterfly kisses across my forehead. Not one of my sensitive spots.

- While giving me “special kisses” she was not the best. There was consistent teeth contact…ouch! It was so bad I was trying to think of a way to get out of the situation. In the end I faked it. That’s right…I faked it.

- I, being the gentleman I am, took care of my lovely partner for the evening first. Afterwards she just wanted to go to bed. Not cool!

DOROTHY

I think that it's fair to say that there are some hook-ups that are just empirically bad. For instance, there is the typical boy turned puppy dog (with a propensity for licking when he gets excited), or the boy who doesn't seem to have read the instruction manual that I thought they handed out at the beginning of college (if not before). However, I think that the best/.worst hook-ups are good/bad both empirically and because of their context...

When I was studying abroad in Argentina, I met a cute Argentine boy who was a friend of a girl from my program-- Sebastian. I should probably explain that my time in Argentina was a bit of an emotional roller coaster with dips both up and down in my confidence level. Especially because it an intensive immersion program, it was not always the crazy, carefree experience that seems typical of studying abroad. So, I could not have been more excited when Sebastian started texting me and asked me out for drinks. He was the exotic fling I had been looking for! We met up around 10 pm and ordered a couple glasses of Malbec, and then he pulled me onto a tiny, very narrow side street and kissed me. In pursuit of my wild and crazy study abroad experience, I agreed to move our rendezvous into the bedroom.

Now, it is important to understand that, in Argentina, because young adults tend to live with their parents, they all use little motels called “telos” that you can rent by the hour. While I understand that it may seem totally creepy to us repressed “estadounidenses,” I assure you that it is not; however, it was fairly scandalous for me. Sebastian confidently led me to a telo hidden on one of the side streets, and when he went up to purchase the room, he realized that he didn't have any money. So, naturally, I offered to pay for it, and he accepted. Once we got inside, and he set the music, things went severely downhill. While Spanish is a beautiful language, it is much less romantic than it seems when there is a clear language barrier. When he said something sexy while we were making out, I wasn't tuned in enough to understand him. I had to stop what I was doing and ask him to repeat himself. On several occasions, he asked me to do something, and because I didn't totally understand what he was saying, I guessed... incorrectly. Hopefully you can use your imagination here. In Spanish, there really isn't a word that translates perfectly from “awkward,” but they should probably create one.

I hope that this story is a lesson for all you innocent, study-abroad-students-to-be: The hook-up itself was not good. Beyond that, it didn't make me feel empowered or particularly attractive. He didn't become my Latin fling that I had imagined for my abroad experience in part, I think, because I wasn't the stereotypical American sex-crazed girl that he was expecting either. As a result, he went quickly from exotic, (slightly awkward) Latin lover to typical universal jerk.

SPARKY

I started dating a girl several years ago who did not want to have sex

until things got more serious (understandable). The problem was that

she did not know how to give a hand job or blow job. This raised two

issues:

1. She had sex before, but was "scarred" by what happened in that relationship.

2. She had never given a HJ or BJ before. So she had taken part in

intercourse but the not the other items.

This led me to have to guide her through the experience of giving HJ

and BJ's, which is just a terrible experience all around.

What I learned from this experience was to identify red flags more quickly

and I shouldve stopped seeing this girl long before it got that far.